Sibling rivalry and tattling begin at a young age, don't they? When my own children were very young, I was in despair about how to control them in public, or at home. They were constantly in to things they shouldn't be, and angry at each other. My home was out of control, and friends didn't ask us to visit anymore.

When my Mother-in-Law pointed out these problems I wanted to lash back at her or just leave. But for once, I humbled myself and asked, "What would you do?" I followed the advice she gave me, and it brought much more peace to my household. She gave me a set of ground-rules that should be followed by everyone in the family; adult and child. All based on mutual respect.

When a sport is played there are rules to be followed and it does not seem unfair. Everyone knows the rules and everyone is held to them. As a rule of thumb, if these standards are presented as house rules that apply to everyone, and are enforced consistently by pre-determined consequences, they will work.

1. Make known the House Rules in writing, and verbally to each member of the family. These standards should be easy to understand. Make specific rules about really important things, and standards that cover general behavior. Before writing them down, pray for wisdom. Parents MUST be in agreement about these. Never punish a child for something they didn't know was wrong or for accidents ("Fathers do not exasperate your children"... Eph. 6:4) The exception would be - if the accident was a result of disobedience.

2. Include the consequences of breaking the rules in writing, on the same sheet. The consequences should be something that is over by bedtime. God's grace is new every morning. So should ours be. As Anne of Green Gables said, "Every day is fresh, without any mistakes in it."

3. Corporal punishment should be done privately (not in front of brothers and sisters or friends), and should hurt, but not wound. If it doesn't hurt, it isn't likely to be effective, and may only cause more anger or defiance on the part of the child. This discipline should be administered BEFORE the parent's anger sets in, after the first direct disobedience/defiance. Remember that those who love their children discipline them for their good.

For children too young to reason with, one swat with a rubber spatula on a bare upper thigh is usually sufficient. For preschoolers and elementary-age children, I preferred a paddle, such as a smooth ping-pong paddle, not my hand. My hand was only a tool of kindness. The wider surface of the paddle creates quite a sting, but will not mark or wound. Only the padded rear section of the child is suitable for this kind of discipline. We never gave more than 5 swats - and number was related to level of disobedience/defiance, and what would be needed for repentance. Lying always received the maximum. Some children do not require much dicipline to become really repentant.

The child should be allowed to apologize privately for private offenses, and publicly for public offenses, after discipline. Forgiveness after repentance should be complete and the matter should not be brought up to the child in the future, or be talked about among adults.

2. If your brother or sister is offending you, but not breaking an established rule, ASK them to "Please stop." They must desist after the first warning to avoid consequences. Sometimes teasing or roughhousing is enjoyed by both and isn't breaking a rule. If the parent came in, they may mistake it for one hurting the other (for instance: boys wrestling) when they are only playing. In this case, the parent should ask before acting. But as soon as the child feels frightened or threatened with injury, they should use the words, "Please stop." At that time, the rough-play must stop to avoid consequences.

3. If the sibling will not stop doing wrong at the first warning, the parents must be told and the discipline given. Parents: Do not shout or scream or insult. This will only show the child that you have lost control. God has given us the spirit of self-control. Galatians 5:23.

If the parent must continue for the child's good, they should gently explain this to their child. Children have no right to expect a parent will "please stop" a disciplinary measure, because it is for their good. Scripture instructs in Proverbs 19:18 - "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."

5. Property that has been given to a child as a gift should be respected as theirs. If another wishes to use it, they must ask first, and respect the reply. Parents and children alike, have this same right over personal belongings. ("Thou shall not steal." Exodus 20)

7. If an item is damaged, the child must do something that represents restitution such as, doing extra chores to pay for replacing the damaged item. This should be true whether the damage is an accident or on purpose. However, if it is on purpose, additional discipline is needed.

Pray for wisdom. When you aren't there to see the offense and there is a difference of opinion about what happened, it does not help to punish all involved. This will only keep a child from telling you anything in the future. The Scriptural standard is for two or three witnesses to establish the truth (Matthew 18:16).

Pieces of evidence may be a person witnessing the act, the offended person, and/or physical evidence. If siblings are being hateful to each other, using God's word to convict them of sin is always a good idea. On our own, we cannot force our children to love each other. Be sure there is not root of jealousy that has been caused by favoring one child over another. You may treat each child differently, because they are different from each other, but they need to know they are dearly loved in their uniqueness.

Have your children's vision and hearing checked. Make sure they are able to understand instructions. If they are easily distracted, look them in the eye when you give them directions. Have them repeat it back to you, then give an example of how to obey your command. For children with disabilities, make allowances for level of understanding, but do not underestimate them. If you do, they will not develop the character they need.

If your child has a tantrum, put them in an isolated, quiet place letting them know that you will be glad to listen to them when they calm down. Then, ignore them. Only respectful speech deserves a hearing. If they are having trouble with controlling their anger as they speak, say, "Let's try that again. Say it respectfully so I can hear you." They'll get it eventually. If a small baby is having a tantrum, sometimes a brief puff of air to their face will cause them to catch their breath and stop crying.

Model a life of obedience to God and respect for others. Let your children know when you "mess up" sometimes and how God instructs and leads you. Wives, speak respectfully to your husbands, and visa versa. Submission and respect on your part will give you an advantage when you expect it from your children. There is a spiritual law that the sins of the fathers will pass down to the third and fourth generation (Exodus 20:5)... so keep yourselves in obedience to God for the sake of your family.

As they get in to the teens and young adult phase, your children will need practice making more decisions about their lives, preparing for independence. This must not interfere with the family's Rules of the House, or continually disrupt the schedules of the others. Consideration and honor are still expected. Discipline of pre-teens will move away from corporal punishment and toward withholding privileges or giving extra chores.

It's important not to micro-manage their lives during these years. They need some free time to explore their own dreams. If they have been trained when they are younger, teenage years should not be very difficult years for homeschooling families. At this point, parents sometimes feel they have failed or worry that their children are rebelling, when in fact, the breaking away is built in to them by God as they will have to be leaders of their own homes. They will need to be given opportunities for leadership and decision-making while still at home. If what they are doing is not a matter of sin, grace for differences of opinion and priorities will keep the relationship between parent and child open.

Hey, it happens. As they begin to set up their own sets of personal rules, it may go beyond what you have prepared for. Don't jump in immediately to take control. Try to let them work it out themselves with the training they've been given. If the tension is not resolved, you may need to intervene personally, or with a family-meeting, or enlist the aid of a respected Christian brother or sister, setting new helpful guidelines to keep peace in the house. As your children mature, there may be personality conflicts that are more evident than when they were younger. Some consideration needs to be made on all sides. Your children may not grow up to be best friends - personalities differ. But they need to be civil and kind. "Make every effort to live in peace with all men...(Heb. 12:14)." With older children, as with younger, if it's a matter of sin, there must be rebuke and discipline if there is no repentance (Rev. 3:19). And as before, "If he repents, forgive him." (Luke 17:3)

There are other homeschoolers going through the same things that you are. This is what support is for. Not only for advice on curriculum and methods of teaching, but on raising a family, finances, and dealing with grief or adversity. We are the Body of Christ. We can pray for each other and help as we are able, to build each other up and encourage each other, as long as it is called today. Remember that your saved children are also members of the Body. Encourage them today too! ~ JC